Welcome to a new installment of Trailer Pitch. We will take a look at the preview of an upcoming film and determine whether it effectively convinces me to stand in line on opening day. The trailer we'll be looking at will probably end up being one of the most straightforward installments I will ever do.
I've always seen 3D as an cheap gimmick that makes an already-expensive venture even more expensive. However, I will sit through 3D for the right movie that justifies the use of the technology. You have 3D re-releases of films coming out of the woodwork this year. All I can ask is, “Why?!” No other 3D release has me screaming this question more than the upcoming 3D re-release of the worst movie of the six Star Wars films: The Phantom Menace.
As a side note, I normally will do spoiler alerts for a movie, but here I'm tossing that rule out the window. I'm going to spoil the hell out of this movie. If you've never seen it, count yourself lucky and NEVER EVER see it! Follow the advice of Leia in Return of the Jedi and “run away, far away!”
Trailer Pitch: Star Wars – The Phantom Menace 3D
I'll admit, I was eagerly anticipating this movie when it first came out in 1999. One of my religion teachers in high school was an avid Star Wars fan, and he brought in a VHS recording of the music video for John Williams' “Duel of the Fates.” Upon seeing the video, two things stood out to me at that time. John Williams can still do some captivating music as a film score composer. Second, Darth Maul is one badass-looking character. Add in Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor, you have two solid leads.
After sitting through the stunning scroll with John Williams' signature theme for the series, the joy turned to sadness with nearly the introduction of any character after we meet young Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. While Jake Lloyd as Anakin wouldn't be as bad as Hayden Christiansen, it still ruined any mystique that Darth Vader had in the original trilogy. Then, there's the ungodly introduction to Jar Jar Binks, the intergalactic stereotyping of the Rastafarian.
Then, there's the epic two-on-one fight between Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul. Two jedis fighting a sith at once? Isn't there an honor code that the jedi follow pertaining to fighting one-on-one? Yet, Lucas kills off Qui-Gon, much like any other director did with Liam Neeson until Taken. Then, he kills off Maul. Thus, continuing the tradition of killing off interesting characters as he did with Boba Fett in Return of the Jedi.
Trailer Analysis
With the opening segment showing the intent to re-release all the movies in 3D, I had some comfort. If there was one movie to see in the Star Wars series for its 3D release, its going to be The Empire Strikes Back. Even A New Hope would be worth it for the amazing dog fights and the inevitable jumping in my seat at the pop-up Tuskan Raider. I would say I'd also see Return of the Jedi, but after Lucas pretty much screwed Sebastian Shaw, the original actor who played Anakin, by replacing him with Hayden Christensen, I'll not waste my money on such an act of disrespect.
With the viewing of the trailer moments that focus on Phantom Menace, I wasn't taken back to that classroom back in 1999. No sense of nostalgia came over me. All I had was contempt. Its paper-thin characterizations, overdosing of effects, and destroying the awe I once had for Darth Vader were all I could think off. I wanted to yell, “You dog!” and throw a shoe at my laptop while watching the trailer. This film killed Star Wars for me, and anything after Menace was nothing but a merchandising juggernaut absent of any gravitas and panache.
Final Thoughts
Mr. Lucas, I hate this movie. I will not see this since it represents everything that is wrong with Star Wars and why I only recognize episodes four, five, and six. Episodes one, two, and three are not movies, they're merchandising ploys. I'm closing with a poignant quote from Jurassic Park: “You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you, you've patented it, and packaged it, you've slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it. You want to sell it.”
Verdict: Spare me!
No thanks to YouTube user starwars for providing a viewable version of the trailer. Click here to see it, or not.
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